The Angle Without Edges

I've been relatively quiet for sometime now, Life has definitely been fucked up. I mean honestly I would like to say that my life sucks, I could wake up & sleep anytime I want. Though I can't sleep, for many reasons where should I begin? Yet again I was fucked, not able to get the rest of my stuff from Ajene's world. Also every time I think of her or the very last time my stomach gets tight, To see someone that you are still in love with and still have faith in resurrecting what once was. I mean fault me for holding on to the words you had said a while back about "A piece of you wants to believe we could be once again", I do not totally recall how it was said though I do know it was around the caliber. Its fucked up when you attempt to reach out to a person and get shot down, yet ask this person about a friendship or such...Which would make it a 2way street right? Yet, I've yet to hear from her which goes to show maybe she does not care. The last question I asked before I had left was "Do you..." I'll leave it at that, my last blog should be a depiction of that statement.

I've been trying to maintain through it all, I honestly did not have intentions on blogging again until my birthday and the earliest. Given my sinuses/Allergies is kicking my ass right now, along with the fact all the things I wish I could've told her. Also the things that I wish could articulate to her right now, but for what? Is the main question. She said before it comes with caring, though she probably thinks right after she says that "He disgusts me" or "I feel bad for this dude". Shit its a lot or things that could come behind that, So what the hell do you do when your attempting to prove your still all for her? When she's not at all for you, let alone probably cant stand you? Dont mind these questions, If they end up getting answered they do...If not it'll just remain unanswered with all the other questions that were given out.

Yet again then the same thing or more so the same person that led up to us not being, continues to reach out an crucify me for loving you more than I've ever loved her. Shit its not like if you care if your reading this, If you could only hear what was said to me out of the blue recently when I got that call. Deadass though I keep hearing all the same shit, as in reference to me still being in love with you and loving you even though you do not want shit to do with me. Yet I pay it no mind though, still try to conjure up a way to get you back. Hell even if it has to come from a materialistic stand point, yet you dont understand nor does she. Even though the very last time I heard from her, she blames my love for you was the reason she did what she did. Yeah like I've admitted time and time again, What I had did was trust & bond violating. Though I said it in the forms of "Maybe She Do, Maybe She Dont" everything else was not true. Though your probably thinking if you've made it thus far "Fuck outta here" its cool though, I say again and mean everylast word of this. You are the only one I will truly ever love, I've managed to attempt to go on. Shit backfired, I spent more trying to get the woman away.Spent time talking about how much I still miss and love you, yet I do not understand why? If you feel way more than less the same way.

Yet I'm still not willing to give up screaming every chance I get, you are still who I want to be with. More so continue where we left off making things right, Hell I guess that is a fucked up fantasy I am living in. Shit things as of recently has been a nightmare in my eyes, only few things that keep me happy are the thoughts of success from getting you back or just in general. BTW you associating with my bro's bothers me also, I'm not even going to elaborate on as to why. Though E say's you never text him, You see Ty more often & Chris I do not even know what the fuck he wanted with you. Seeing as he had called and asked me if I remembered your number, I told him no...Knowing damn well I do but oh well. Outside of that, I've more so been pissed at the fact that I had a few doors of opportunity open up. Then slam as quickly as they opened up, then people constantly talking to me about Mary's death has been eating at me. Only person I've been wanting to talk to about this was you, since you were there for me throughout the course of what happened and went down at the house. So I felt your voice and insight is what could've helped regain what piece of sanity I was clinging to, Could that honestly happen? I would say no, but then again you could be aiming to surprise me...Then again not. The fact of the matter is everything has been fucking with me not only to how shit has played out, more so the sight and finding of her body like that has beyond affected me. Shit I cant put it in no other fucking form or fashion, I feel broken & defeated again. Its like really starting to drive me to a point of distance from everything and everybody, Yet I do not want it to come to that or give into the urge. Its hard.... I have started a personal Email to you, but yet again like other things I've attempted to give you. Either end up burned or in the trash, example I would rather have you read them. Though you choose not to, I think I want to scrap the email. Then again I might just send it, with little to no satisfaction or fathom the thought of a response. I'm beyond tired right now...So I'll conclude this right now. In hopes of hearing from you...If not. It is what it gotta be....

A.L.Z I love you more than anything, and I'm still attempting to respark that dim lit flame if it is still there. If not I guess I'll literally have to throw in the towel for good.