Again...

I say, you wasnt there. You mother was, where were you? out hanging with your friends, Indeed I encouraged you to. Knowing damn well, I didnt but you had your mind set on leaving. Then you came back to wake me up to whatever happened in that conversation in the ride back from the club, or wherever it is you all went. Not a concern, then turned around and we got in to which ultimately lead me to leave. Which was what you wanted right? Yet, I'm not here to throw no one under the bus as some people. I will say this, If it haunts your heart. Keep it to yourself about that woman, For need not to make it know. An all of that extra shit you speak about, swallow it. For you know not of what has changed, or different. When you've not dealt with someone in almost a year...nigga.

....

Its been a while, my blog world. I've left you, not on purpose. I've been good, making it to say the minimum. I would like to say this much though, to a certain someone...That name of "Mary" should not be in your mind in the least bit, You have no fucking right. For you was not there when she was laid to rest, for you was not there to be found in where I was left. When I sought out comfort from you about her "going home", For you shall never think or repeat that fucking name ever again...

Just Speaking....

Deadass If/when I had the chance to make a time capsule of how I felt in every defining moment in my life, it would possibly be the biggest opus you'd see right here before you.This was made around the time I was listening to "ElevatorMusik", by curren$y was made and I just decided I'd blog away maybe. It's buggin me out how life now - especially after the rocky end of 09 and start of 2010 went on thru the shit I am enduring now.


This blog is my personal story of growth, struggle, identification, placement and most importantly - finding out myself and learning to love myself. Which in case, I've done quite fondly so far, thanks to a few dirtbags from my past (No shots fired for now). Thirty expletives of sound - some hip-hop, some chill, some drum-n-bass, some electronica, some ambient, and some just... Explain how I feel throughout the day. As always, once more I'd like to take the time out to thank ALL of you that have supported me thus far - even if you dont leave a compliment, you help reaffirm why I do what it is that I do and why there will never be a question or doubt in my mind that I cannot get to live my dreams.



I've kinda learned to shake the hands of all, to greet many. While I salute the few and honor the honorable in the name of a dollar - so sue me. I would say it is how I was raised in a asinine capitalistic society, but then they'd say I am whacked out or that I'm "making excuses". Do I accept submission and failure? Not most times. I do understand the rules of this match and how the mind can be easily ensnared/tainted. There are certain parts of me that at times believe this world we live in will come to a stand still. So humanity may end or that we crash at the hands of our own shit, but also we know that we spent too much time doing BULLSHIT. Surviving has always been survival, settling? Settling is like cutting off your own dick/clit, or in my case - heart. I will not try to settle. Yes, I have before. I will make sure my child does not go hungry, is well taken care of. Always has fresh clothing on his/her (I swear I feel might have a girl when someone does get preggo by me) I'll know my role as a responsible father. It just bites that I know it will not be the first 2 women, I actually wanted to procreate with.



Anyone would fold in that predicament. Not I, though I know many who have. And also arose to the occasion.



I'll choose to fly.

Because it's for my child (When I do have one).

It'll be our life.



I cruise, lol more so crutch the streets with a gloomy face or chipper look on not to get attention...even though the shock value of someone actually being friendly amuse me. I do this because we as humans trust too much in what we see. I am here to make a statement as in to what? Dont know just yet. I am at times feeling abnormal, but in the most beautiful way possible. Supernatural, if you will. Therefore my persona should reflect it. My life is DIMENSIONAL and I want the world to know that. It's amazing just to walk this planet knowing that you are could be a beacon of light and love that doesn't need to speak at all to be heard. My method of communication is with the heart, as reflected in my day-to-day and my music. I never considered myself just a "beatmaker" - accept when i would deliberately make beat tapes.

Otherwise, I was just a digital beginner with a mouse and a keyboard. I didn't come up on MPC's like the rest - maybe that's what makes me different. I just came up on the dope funk hip-hop had to offer, graduated to rock, drifted into eletronica, then back around in different ways...different genres. Then I learned to chop 'em. I wanted to challenge myself. I'm completely unique and there will never be another unheard like me. So why take life into my own hands? Why be SELFISH with my gift? I used to want to be one of those kids who got mad enough and dark inside. Fuck it, right? At least that'll stop the system for a day...nope.



Everybody wants to blame my love for music. I'm fucking glad I found music. MUSIC! saved me from getting worse. I was long ago when I actually got into it, say around 15. - I waited until I was 20 like the late bloomer I was, but when I listened?...it changed my whole perspective on life. Why live depressed because you feel that's all you can do? All you can achieve? F*ck that! I knew my style and my love for art was too much for this system to handle - so I jetted. I'm good with that. I'll let my creativity speak for itself. This way when I am living off of it, I always know that I never gave up on myself (much). I had doubtful moments, but always knew what was best for me.

GOD always knew what was best for me.

The Breifing...Should I get at it?

Um errr...

"Love Stuff"...That was one of my blogs...
"The Pink Lavalamp: Blog Series"..Um that another one of my blogs series.
"No Title" That was also...one of my blogs.
"The Reason: The Defense Mechanism Broken Down" *Distant Chuckle* That there...was another one of my blogs.

Which now brings me to this, Last blog was from the day of surgery. Things went well, I went in and was out in a jiffy. Deadass though I was completely nervous but I can say this, it was something that needed to be done. Even with the fact of me having thoughts of pushing off the surgery, I had went to the doct that Friday before hand. He told me my Achilles was healing, but with out the surgery it would've made for me having no feeling in my foot. Which means in lamest terms I would've been peg legged out deadass though, walking and tripping or just draggin that foot along. So I was worried sick about that, not to mention. This is one of the few severe injuries I've caught, Like my first one was when I got hit by that drunk driver at 5. Broken leg (Femur to be exact), though I was 5 so I did not really have much of a mind to dwell on it. Shit life was still in its opening act lmao, To say the least. If I can find the picture of my leg in traction or in its cast I'd post it, Though in the mean time I would post a pic of me in my cast now. I'm not able to due to this whack ass restricted laptop I am on @ my godparents home.

Outside of that, I've been left to think about what to do. More so where to turn next, which has no answer to it. At the current time, Though it is a plan to handle it, and seemingly it works for me when I follow the plan that happens to be mapped out. All in awesomeness FLAWLESS!!! Though some of my plans been flawed, and I knew not what to do. Besides run around in a circle as the sky falls, then again...I've always taken the anarchy approach to some things in my life. It seems to work for me at most angles, and many more for me to explore. Outside of that Z.K.!!! Wattup!!! You've been good to me, more than good enough I've purposely not mentioned you in my blogs. Though I know its another one out there in the works, I just wanna appreciate you in my own lil way if that is fine with you? Yes!? Thank you, Deadass though I seriously would like to say first off. Is "Thank you" for being a great presence thus far, your persona is that unrivaled for such a nice woman. In time, Soon to be hopefully. Everything will jump back into place with you amiga, I know it will. No gettin' styled on when you'll be the one doing the stylin' nah mean? Outside of that being able to speak to you just about every day since I've been injured, Has been a big breath of fresh air. I literally was feeling like there are no more women out there, who just can be genuine anymore. Rather it was because of me having a hand in it, or just damaged goods like myself. Even though you consider me not to be such, which is hard to believe given my recent tribulations with women. Though it is what it gotta be, Its something that is consider a work in progress.

Um who else did I forget to mention, OH! Tish, Deadass though honestly love. I am truly sorry that I had the wrong impression of you, Like deadass I really had you all fucked up. An happy I actually got a chance to start a friendly process of getting to know you, Your dope thus far I should've asked Kandis about you be I kinda prejudged you. I hope all is well, And deadass hope to maintain a great friendship with you.

Deadass this is now the end part, where I usually attempt to say something. Though I'm not, Just deadass though until next blog. Also hear me when your praying on your own, I hope everything comes full circle. An This process of recovering from this Torn Achilles, which was repaired speeds up alil. Since I wont be on my feet until March 2011, talk about happy 24th bday to me....Later