The More I sit and think more and more about the last time I blogged, I notice i've strayed completely away from it and being where I am is out the exact general area where my last blog in august went down. Outside of that I'm just throwing whomever reads this some minor updates on myself, I've became fully engaged and committed to a loving still growing relationship (Since November 22-23 which ever she picks). The relationship has been booming despite the things i've did and or have hidden, but i did do what was preached by keeping it completely honest with her even if it almost cost me my relationship. Yet you can not going on living in a lie, and with how i feel about her and my hearts and hers both in its entirety, I rather live in the dreaded reality of her knowing me for me and not the covers i had pulled over her eyes before.
I am still glad she decided to continue to invest time in me in turn it has and in a sense gave me a great security in my heart and if i honestly lost it or was taken away from it, I would most definitely be pissed, bitter, and everything under the Nebula's black hole. With The Possibility of her moving to GA for better school and Career choices....It honestly hurts me quite deeper than I and You (Whomever Reading This) may know, But i am willing to put my own heart on the back burner or in the blender for this woman to have and pursue whatever is she may like to do. Thats highly akward because ever since my last important female in my life did what she did to me I've felt things from this relationship that was in the previous heartbreak, but it seems like it can not and will not happen indeed anything is possible (Addidas Shout Out). None the less I love her more than my next breath and it might be the smell of bleach and cleaning materials in the aire i'm continuosly smelling while typing this, but hey atleast i know i got this blog out. I am highly glad @ how my crew took to Rachele yet she has yet to say more than a whole fucking 5 sentences to me today, indeed i been feeling highly affectionate towards the woman and lack thereof but it kinda has been reciprocated but then again it has not.
On another note my brothers and myself (Familia Royale B.K.A Fam Royale) We still tighter than ever, and i belive nothing will not tear that bond for shit. With us growing older and tighter together as a band of brothers i will forever cherish the times we've spent and our spats we had with one another, Britt (Howze) Is my lil sis til the death of me with her angry blackself...Jenniva Too even though i do not like her half the time. but family is to be hated and half liked...Everyone else who was not specifically included that doesnt mean i do not love you or cherish the times but these are some of the people...Well most of the people i deal with and or hear from on a daily basis kin. For Rachele "I Dont Know How To Spell Her Middle Name" Watson I love you dearly and again more than my next breath and for you anything in my heart and or outside of my own power u can have it..I'll try my damndest to keep you happy and content even for the things i cannot give you right now or lack there of but please know if it never matters or if we are to be no more this blog will not be deleted or cursed....Love ya ma...Sincere
Sincere + Soul Amazing = Souly Sincere Amazing... (Couldn't think of a better Answer) ~1~
Saturday, February 21, 2009
My Incomplete Post....To Be Finished Sooner Or Later
Its just something highly funny about how people act toward others whom once cared about them in such a high fashion, or such high regards…For example, My best friend of 2-3years Brittany Jackson was once a force who’d I hate to lose, but as time carries on and you seem to see the sands of time on how every good thing comes to an end and as of recently I’ve reluctantly began to come to terms with such a thing. If you would have asked me if I believed that last year let alone years ago I’d tell you “Fuck No!!!” which would’ve been a typical response of myself, but now I see as I get older I began to see and still recognize those whom are true to me let alone true themselves and the morals they’ve once stood for. Even though I’ve call myself acquiring 2 more female best friends for what reasons you may ask, When I have 3 brothers Chris, Egan, and the youngest of us Tyler. The answer is simple…. Its lack there of a girlfriend or anything close to it, And its quite funny how we all talked day in day out, but now there is little to no contact amongst us. Brittany and myself no longer talk I assume we just grew distant since she gained a boyfriend she’s supposedly serious about, Cinnamon and myself (Yes her government is Cinnamon) She’s next up even though there is a two year age difference between us which would usually be a big “Red Flag” given how strict I am about whom I choose to give the title of “Best Friend” to, then again I guess I should look at my own standards to gain such a title. Any whom Cinnamon and me had our distant moments where we went almost 3 to 4 months with little to no contact, Mind you we talk about any and everything.
I would say even shit I do not talk to my own brothers about, but with that said I talk to those nigga’s about every and anything. She’s been acting shifty like Brittany did and yet again I never intend to keep someone in my life for more than a year or two, Not to mention those that has played minor roles in my life and yet again are still there. Maybe I should promote them…. Haha! No, I’ll pass that there for a reason so leave them where they are. Well there is one person who has began to climb the ladder many have tried, Her name is Charmaine I’ve known her since my God-Father moved over into the neighborhood he resides in now, and it has been eleven years since then and I’ve just not began to see her let alone hang out with her outside of being over my God-Parents way. If it was not for Chris I’ve probably would not have cared to hang out let alone care to see the heifer.
On another side of things we’ve (Myself And Chris) have been discussing some of the shackles that have been lifted from him to say the least (they’ll be another blog with details to be seen in the future), It makes me realize why I do not want a girlfriend and the fact I’m growing tired of my female best friends, maybe it the fact I’m either expecting ever so much? Could it be that I let them give me so much attention as far as conversation and spoil me with there affection that, I do not have it for the time being or be it a drought that it is seriously pissing me off to the brink of pushing them away? It also could be the fact I’ve been letting females outside of my own female best friends I know I call my own, Be the reason I am possibly pushing them away and not really caring eh? Fucked up is it not, in many ways I do believe that’s why but hey who am I to try to judge this situation when I’ve been through this scenario countless times? I do willingly admit a lot of things have changed in the process, but some changes come forced and unwanted. Along with those I have been wondering about my past relationships with females and wondering what could’ve been am I wrong for that? I admit most of the ones I fucked up, I am human so everyone fucks up maybe not to the certain degree or brink (If You Will) that I either pushed them to or have pushed them to.
It makes me feel that my past relationships with females as far as being a item (Couple) is what gives me this wall that I will not be able to overcome, And I only begin to think why? Is it because some of my most cherished relationships have been left untouched with out closure? Or could it be that there is something that I yearn for that I’ve never gotten? I believe I have yet to find that answer and continue to push on for that one person I would love to commit to, But as many females I am interested in I do not and refuse to lead any of them on or give any false dreams to such a thing if its not going to be that road. Unlike other’s I do know who sell these blind dreams to theses chicky’s for no apparent reason, not to necessarily say I am completely innocent which I am not in many ways. In regards I do hope to gain a part 2 with a Lady from my past someday I am in need of something to prove that I will not touch or see her again even though it has been a little over 2 year’s since I’ve talked to her and a little over a year since I’ve seen her. In regards to the woman I speak of at this part of my little rant and rave of my thoughts, I just want to say ‘I’ll always have love for you no matter if you do hate me or not I, I do fully intend to gain a chance for us to sit down and get our differences out on the table along with our dreams and hopes we had and constantly talked about, from you giving birth to what we called our future daughter named La’kayla” I’m going to leave this part off on this note I find it funny that my little sister’s Best friend name is Ma’kayla is that a cowinky dink? S.L.F (My Ex’s Initials) moving on.
On a more positive note, I’ve been talking to other people outside of my own clique that I do not mind giving the title of “Friend”, because most of the females I’ve been speaking with rather I’ve known you for a short stint or long term stint all of you (Too many to name) do play a major role in my life and I would like for you to know if your name is not mentioned in this it is not that I’ve forgotten you, its just I’m throwing names off top and or those who have their name mentioned might have left me tattered and curious so no hard feelings senorita’s whom are not mentioned. Outside of the feature premier name you may see throughout this passage is one of few or more whom I’ve grown accustomed to over time and I’m planning to elaborate on for my own leisure and enjoyment, since I’ve had this conversation with my brothers (Shout outs to T.y., Egan, And Chris) and I’m giving somewhat of a little insight to what we talk and a little insight to what I think on those days when I’m just having what little time I muster to myself.
There is another female I’ve grown accustomed to because of her outstanding conversation let alone her as a person, I’ve only known her for a close to about 2 years now and not only is her conversation lovely and addicting but her whole aurora just is highly enticing and makes me keep wanting more and more out of her. We talk just about every other day or every 2 days though, when we talk its well worth the wait and I’ve seen her about 2-3 weeks ago and could not help but enjoy the hours we spent talking on and on about a little of everything not to mention she’s from Alabama with a little Detroit twist to her. Even though her heavy country accent is such a turn on I love it with a passion and just how she pronounce my name in every syllable she speaks in is very addicting., mind you I’m a big sucker for women with accents and great persona’s, but usually I’m more prone to fall for a woman with a “New York” accent to be honest long as you have some time of twang in your voice that’s unique you’re a candidate. Outside of us knowing one another for a year I admit I’ve talked to her about a little of any and everything and I will admit her intellect has me strongly impressed and for her to be in school and having more jobs than a Jamaican is quite befuddling, but I will admit she has great time management skills on a little 100% honesty. I hate how some of the dudes she did call herself talking to, doing her wrong or trying to come at her like she was just some regular broad, not calling her such but you get the picture don’t ya? When it came to us it was the kind of a battle if her saying she was not ready for another heartbreak and so on and so forth, but I did highlight the fact I’m not that type of dude and I’m willing to put in the time and effort to work towards that (Remember this part of the passage if your still reading this by now you’ll need it later)
I would say even shit I do not talk to my own brothers about, but with that said I talk to those nigga’s about every and anything. She’s been acting shifty like Brittany did and yet again I never intend to keep someone in my life for more than a year or two, Not to mention those that has played minor roles in my life and yet again are still there. Maybe I should promote them…. Haha! No, I’ll pass that there for a reason so leave them where they are. Well there is one person who has began to climb the ladder many have tried, Her name is Charmaine I’ve known her since my God-Father moved over into the neighborhood he resides in now, and it has been eleven years since then and I’ve just not began to see her let alone hang out with her outside of being over my God-Parents way. If it was not for Chris I’ve probably would not have cared to hang out let alone care to see the heifer.
On another side of things we’ve (Myself And Chris) have been discussing some of the shackles that have been lifted from him to say the least (they’ll be another blog with details to be seen in the future), It makes me realize why I do not want a girlfriend and the fact I’m growing tired of my female best friends, maybe it the fact I’m either expecting ever so much? Could it be that I let them give me so much attention as far as conversation and spoil me with there affection that, I do not have it for the time being or be it a drought that it is seriously pissing me off to the brink of pushing them away? It also could be the fact I’ve been letting females outside of my own female best friends I know I call my own, Be the reason I am possibly pushing them away and not really caring eh? Fucked up is it not, in many ways I do believe that’s why but hey who am I to try to judge this situation when I’ve been through this scenario countless times? I do willingly admit a lot of things have changed in the process, but some changes come forced and unwanted. Along with those I have been wondering about my past relationships with females and wondering what could’ve been am I wrong for that? I admit most of the ones I fucked up, I am human so everyone fucks up maybe not to the certain degree or brink (If You Will) that I either pushed them to or have pushed them to.
It makes me feel that my past relationships with females as far as being a item (Couple) is what gives me this wall that I will not be able to overcome, And I only begin to think why? Is it because some of my most cherished relationships have been left untouched with out closure? Or could it be that there is something that I yearn for that I’ve never gotten? I believe I have yet to find that answer and continue to push on for that one person I would love to commit to, But as many females I am interested in I do not and refuse to lead any of them on or give any false dreams to such a thing if its not going to be that road. Unlike other’s I do know who sell these blind dreams to theses chicky’s for no apparent reason, not to necessarily say I am completely innocent which I am not in many ways. In regards I do hope to gain a part 2 with a Lady from my past someday I am in need of something to prove that I will not touch or see her again even though it has been a little over 2 year’s since I’ve talked to her and a little over a year since I’ve seen her. In regards to the woman I speak of at this part of my little rant and rave of my thoughts, I just want to say ‘I’ll always have love for you no matter if you do hate me or not I, I do fully intend to gain a chance for us to sit down and get our differences out on the table along with our dreams and hopes we had and constantly talked about, from you giving birth to what we called our future daughter named La’kayla” I’m going to leave this part off on this note I find it funny that my little sister’s Best friend name is Ma’kayla is that a cowinky dink? S.L.F (My Ex’s Initials) moving on.
On a more positive note, I’ve been talking to other people outside of my own clique that I do not mind giving the title of “Friend”, because most of the females I’ve been speaking with rather I’ve known you for a short stint or long term stint all of you (Too many to name) do play a major role in my life and I would like for you to know if your name is not mentioned in this it is not that I’ve forgotten you, its just I’m throwing names off top and or those who have their name mentioned might have left me tattered and curious so no hard feelings senorita’s whom are not mentioned. Outside of the feature premier name you may see throughout this passage is one of few or more whom I’ve grown accustomed to over time and I’m planning to elaborate on for my own leisure and enjoyment, since I’ve had this conversation with my brothers (Shout outs to T.y., Egan, And Chris) and I’m giving somewhat of a little insight to what we talk and a little insight to what I think on those days when I’m just having what little time I muster to myself.
There is another female I’ve grown accustomed to because of her outstanding conversation let alone her as a person, I’ve only known her for a close to about 2 years now and not only is her conversation lovely and addicting but her whole aurora just is highly enticing and makes me keep wanting more and more out of her. We talk just about every other day or every 2 days though, when we talk its well worth the wait and I’ve seen her about 2-3 weeks ago and could not help but enjoy the hours we spent talking on and on about a little of everything not to mention she’s from Alabama with a little Detroit twist to her. Even though her heavy country accent is such a turn on I love it with a passion and just how she pronounce my name in every syllable she speaks in is very addicting., mind you I’m a big sucker for women with accents and great persona’s, but usually I’m more prone to fall for a woman with a “New York” accent to be honest long as you have some time of twang in your voice that’s unique you’re a candidate. Outside of us knowing one another for a year I admit I’ve talked to her about a little of any and everything and I will admit her intellect has me strongly impressed and for her to be in school and having more jobs than a Jamaican is quite befuddling, but I will admit she has great time management skills on a little 100% honesty. I hate how some of the dudes she did call herself talking to, doing her wrong or trying to come at her like she was just some regular broad, not calling her such but you get the picture don’t ya? When it came to us it was the kind of a battle if her saying she was not ready for another heartbreak and so on and so forth, but I did highlight the fact I’m not that type of dude and I’m willing to put in the time and effort to work towards that (Remember this part of the passage if your still reading this by now you’ll need it later)
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