Random Fuck it moment

Wanna be me, you can't you faggot, you bitch
You coward, you clown, you just wanna be down
So you - wanna be me, you bitch, you phony
You clone me, you wanna be me son, I'm the one and only
But you - wanna be me, you suckers, you weak
You flunkies, you fake, you couldn't come close on my worst day
But you - wanna be me, I burn you and learn you a lesson

Late Night Thoughts: One thing that subtly bothers me.

So I happen to have a fistful of blogs I've either, Not finished or did not post for certain reasons. Yet given I tend to free some of them, I prefer to sit on them for a long time. In place of freeing them for a certain someone seeing a blog, and going off on a tangent blowing something way out of proportion. Lol given I've been given more time to the other blogsite I am apart of, I enjoy being over there. Gives me more time to actually be on a bigger stage, plus Alicia is part of the reason I fire off alot of blogs over there. So without further a due, here is one of the blogs I tended to have sat on. Now I will be doing remake of this one over at the other blogsite, though this is the original here...speaking about 2 different heart breaks.

The 7 Stages of "Rick Ray's Heartbreak":

I've spoken to a few people about this who mattered in my life at one point and time, and still felt nothing as really accomplished in regards to me freeing that bird. Yet I still feel no bottom-line was reached, Then I often go inside of my dome and talk to myself about everything. I mean who doesnt? Lol if I am the only one fuck you! dont judge me.

I assume it’s safe to say that just all of us have had our hearts broken atleast once. I’m damn sure not talking about your parents telling you that "you’re a big mistake" or a friend bailin' on you that one time when there was a white woman and you were too drunk to make a run for it Lol. Nah, I am talking about failed "I am in love relationship" an the brutal rejection that came with it. It is a very confusing experience, the heartbreak is what I speak of. This is my newest attempt at trying to make sense of it all again.

Stage 1: Denial

Someone had just broken my heart, and I deadass was tight like “This bitch has to be joking” I kept telling myself that this really aint shit. Just a obstacle in my loving love I had and it will pass. It’s very surreal at first, though the cold truth eventually found its way into my head. "It’s over, it is really over." The initial shock kicked in hard. It’s finally over.

Stage 2: Anger

I was then in a constant state of “What the fuck!?” mood. Still making a vital attempt at trying to figure out what the fuck is really happening to me? I was like a rabid rabid (Yes I love that video game) who just lost its Mischievous side. I was going to bite everything. My sole purpose in life at the moment right then was to write angry blog, post emo-filled Facebook status messages and Twitter updates, kick puppies IN THE FUCKING FACE!! Casualties were often took: My friends, My family, countless innocent Internet commentators and so on.

Stage 3: Bargaining

I felt like a terrorist (ALLAHU AHKBAR!!! *Poof*). I tried to wiggle my way out of the situation. I made promises I did not intend on keeping. Suddenly, I was talking to god. Willing to give everything and really do anything for another chance with her. I begged & pleaded much. Jesus Christ, I begged. But of course, I was ultimately DENIED!!

Stage 4: Depression

I posted embarrassing blog entry after entry. I quoted song after song, read poem and watched movies & things we've enjoyed together. I stopped being visible & talking to people. I went back home immediately after hanging with my bro's or just out in general to curl up in a ball, I drug myself out of bed each morning and couldn’t wait to sleep at night. I want to sleep in the dream world forever. I mean it had gotten pretty ugly for me.

This is where things gotten really sad for me leading up to that May. Most would go back to Stage 1 and repeat this whole process over & over & over until one of these 3 things happened to me personally:

-I had fallen out of love and felt she wasn't worth it, With no intent on making up for what she had did.
-I had came to terms with the fact that it probably was never going to work out ever again and it was time to move on to the next stage/person, In which I had did. Prior to losing Mary.
-Then I lost Mary (1/11/11 Happy belated birthday Mary L. Dial) I love you more than ever, and still feel as if I had failed you...Which is another blog for another day.

Stage 5: Acceptance

I had managed to get out of the Stages 1-4 repeating like a favorite song, I finally accepted fate. I realized that there was nothing wrong in giving up hope on someone that called me destructive to their being. It was OK to quit, I’d still be legit. I fought for my feelings and you lost terribly. All is fair in Love and War, I learned the hard way... It was time to start the healing process, with the new woman who had came along. Like she silently snuck her big booty ass in the back door..

Stage 6: Her...

This is sort of an extension of Stage 5. I’ve made peace with my broken heart but I was still wondering...if I should give one last try. In which I did, I heavily considered that possibility (twice over, ask about the kisses) but I eventually decide against it. I just went on to rock with the big booty zilla and wash away all the negativity of the whole past experience & I celebrated the good times of old, with new. I opened my heart and realized our love was true (I dont know why I am admitting it now...Though it was). I had gotten hurt but it’s time for me to move on.

Stage 7: The New Beginning!

At that point, my heartbreak was history. I was now ready to get back in the game with a new ass I was pounding and a revitalized soul. I was looking forward to finding paradise once more with the new woman. I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to go through "Heartbreak Hell" all over again.

But of course, I did. all because of? Look for me on the other blogsite for those that know of it... To see what happened...Thank you.

Throwback feelings:

Memory lanes.

08' Had a reflection of what was attempted while she was reading that, Talk about reliving favorite/past memories. IT GOT WET!!!!!



One more relived past memories, They say you can reflect on the things that were...An outside of the terrible things. Ummm I relive them, I aint afraid to admit it....

Then moving on to Summer 09's Memories...



*sighs* Damn you, lol I cannot ever look at this song the same again.



An to you, that one night in the middle of the summer no one knows about...Only me and you...an the next song below.

What I thought before I shut that door.

The sight I see is the view of me in the reflection of you. And I don’t like what I see in you…So why would I want to be with you, if you can’t see what you’re supposed to see in me…

In My Defense

I had a dream I was fucking unprotected, dream ended up right as I nestled my nose in to her neck to inhale her scent. Rose up just before I caught a nut, still wiping eye boogers from my eyes.

Checked my phone for some odd ass reason I hoped to see a text from a particular ex, nodded my head thinking in the back of my mind thinking "Why the fuck I always go out like this?".

7:08AM thinking about love is everything, something stays missing from my life. I still feel like I lost the only person who loved me unconditionally, So I seek the temporary love that comes with lust.

That's a bitch move, None the less it'll probably be a girl I could just fuck with next. Wont even stress it, with this picture stuck in my mind realized that this is bullshit put in my plan.

Lonely thoughts will never listen, such as the competitor in the pursuit of living large cutting all of the insecurities off. I swear I have grown to a "T" progression tends to be known as the biggest enemy, yet I dont stress it.

With blogs like this I always leave a minor piece of me. Why the fuck am I so honest? I should change paths on them, hate me cause' I am liar. Wondering if I'll ever grow into the vision I envision for myself, while maintaining some sort of stable health. Just in case your wondering? This is always in my defense....

Yea...Woke up from a nightmare, lonely. In the dark...again, Just happen to need to vent that out..Call it a poem if you like.

Day 30: Who are you?

Who am I? I am Rick Ray, A nobody who intends to be somebody if I have to say the minimum. Though I never really care about being someone, well atleast to the world. Just to the key few who could possibly view me as something, or even someone to be totally honest. I am also someone who has forgotten to care about just about everyone, along with overcoming a lot of the things that were probably self inflicted from dumb decision making. Yet I believe it is just me being human, Overcoming the obstacles of life I guess. I'm no expert at one thing, nor will I ever be. So where does that possibly leave me? Shit, I could throw you a idea. Though there is some out there who could careless given I've shown you otherwise along with growth, lol even a little more maturity depends on how you feel.

I often battled with a lot of things over the last 2yrs, 3 if you count the beginning of this one. Which I've made it this far, I've came to terms with a lot of things. An learned a lot in the process, rather it is dealing with the nobodies. Or the women who meant nothing for me, Yet I tried dearly to feign feelings or some sort of emotions to bed then down. An honestly admitting that the only meaningful relationships I've been in since I've been over 21 happen to been in between 08...then right back again in 09. So all the other ones I've been with in afterwards did not mean a damn thing, yet here I go opening up myself up to a point of vulnerability. Which kinda drew out that newly formed defense mechanism of mines, Which grew a heart colder. In the same sense take things of myself as far as emotions, and feeling be less likely given. Yet it doesnt feel like me, though I may force myself to become used to it. Then again I may not, I am not totally sure. With the fact of is, I'll just deal with and play it out to the best of its ability. an speak alil more about some spoken word lol still no poet this way. never have never will be...

Have you ever a picture you held in your mind? An over time the circumstances made you feel like dying? With passion that was truly divine? To Realize you worked so hard, still didnt make it that far. Though love is everything so you push to break that barrier? Gotta understand the corruption in your mind in due time.

I had more to share, but hey its all I had to give you for the last day. So in the end I am Rick Ray, and you should get to know me or enjoy the blog more. Try to find me at the other blogsite I am apart of, and You'll still see and hear from more of me on my own blog site. Thank you for toughing it out with me for this 30-day blog challenge. An to Alicia B, Thanks for coming back to the blog. I'll make sure it is worth your time, I feel like your my lil bloggin protege...Deadass though.

Day 29: Future plans/goals.

Deadass though, I'm not going to speak too much on the goals. Some of my future plans are to maintain the place of my own, So many ways that could be twisted. I've made it thus far, So I refuse to show gratitude. Just live this year as another hour to hour basis... and with this being the 2nd to last blog with this "Blog challenge" here is an excerpt from it.


"Have you ever a picture you held in your mind? An over time the circumstances made you feel like dying? With passion that was truly divine? To Realize you worked so hard, still didnt make it that far. Though love is everything so you push to break that barrier? Gotta understand the corruption in your mind in due time."

Day 28: What attracts you to someone.

Um it would be personality mostly, alil of fashion. More so how we click as a item, and music choices. I would make it longer but I've been lazy since I've been on the other blogsite.

Day 27: Your fashion style.

My fashion style consists of alil of everything, from Chino's to cargo pants. Different type/cut of jeans, lil bit of graphic tee's with some plain tee's. Crewneck sweaters, Argyle Sweaters... V'necks tee's and sweatshirts. Sweatpants (Favs)...Footwear goes from timb'z, Dunks (Favs) Vans, Supras, Nike Air Max Griffey's. Rt1's, Vandals...alil of everything.. My most recent are the Nike Toki ND's chukka's them are quiet comfy, I will say props to those who helped me find what I like. I dont just fall into one specific category...I mostly just enjoy accessories with plain things.

Day 26: First 10 songs to play on shuffle on your iPod.

1.)The Cool Kids - Good Afternoon
2.)Wasiu M. Branton - Time Out (A Tribute To Boon Doc)
3.)Royce Da 5'9" - Gun Music
4.)Ludacris - Hardtimes
5.)The Ramones - I'm Not Jesus
6.)Asher Roth - F*ck Your Ringtone
7.)The Clash - Know Your Rights
8.)Jimi Hendrix - Hound Dog
9.)LL Cool J - Jingling Baby
10.)Billie Holiday - Discussion (Life On The Verve Mix)

Day 25: How you found out about blogging & why you made one.

How did I find out about blogging?

I had always been a writer, rather it was in my journal for school (yes I had taken writing classes. Seemingly excelled at it for a good lil minute) and I had a myspace. Just like everyone else in the world, I needed another channel to vent my anger. Along with letting friends or complete strangers who might care to see if someone else world could be worse than their own, even maybe better to know there could be light at the end of a dark tunnel. An back in 06' me and the Fam(ilia) Royale crew shared 2 5 subject notebooks that I had named "In My mind" & "Yellow6", I dont even know how we lost those things but I miss it. Those had quite the memories, along with memories I probably forgot.

Why Did I make a blog?

Just because is was something not alot of people were doing, and it garnered me attention as it still does til this very day. An seemingly I never knew there were few people I associate myself with that actually look forward to seeing my blog. or a post from else where, So Alicia B. I thank you for keeping me on my bloggin P's & Q's mamio. and seemingly, there is only about 5days left of this blogging challenge. Now I look back at it...it blew by quickly.

Day 24: A Song that makes you smile.

Day 23: What you would find in my bag

Depends on what bag you may see me with, you would typically find my wallet. Along with deodorant, maybe hoop shorts, jeans tshirt. and so on. thats about it though nothing more.

Day 22: Your Nicknames & Why You Have Them

Ric- The last 3 letters of my gov. name
Sincere- is one of my producer names I went by, and my grandfather used to address me by it.
Manz- is a family nickname I really do not even know the origin of it, though I thought it was my actual name for a long time coming up as a lil kid.