Wow...

Things still do not feel better, I will say this. and I quote "Get your shit together then come fuck with me"....I'll be holding you to that, And If You fell in love with me once. I assume it can happen again, So have at it. I actually hope you intend to keep you end up of attempting this "Friendship" shit, If not you should tell me soon.






Barely lit flame...Is self explanatory

What Would It Take?

If you are reading this Love, I just want you to know this was not the original things I wanted to say and or try to articulate. I've been sitting here for hours thinking of what to do or what to say, still drew blanks...hell I am drawing blanks as I type this. If only I knew the words to say or the things to do, just to have you for atleast a small window of time. Just to try and see what would it take to make you believe, or be on the path to making you believe. I cannot stress the fact of the matter is that I miss you, honestly sitting here typing this is painful enough as missed moment. Cherished moments now cherished memories that will not go away, I am still beyond of afraid to tell you what is on my heart. I asked you if you understood my hesitation, you said you did but I believe you have a idea. Maybe you do, And I just like to lead myself on to think that you dont, I still want to spill all to you as if you were still mines. I say again I am saving all of me just for you rather you care or not, Hell I really wanted us to make the year mark just to say we made it. I honestly we should've and still could make it longer, if given the chance for me to make a huge turn around. I still kick back even when I cannot afford time to do so, and try to think of a way I can get you back. Nothing's changed about me besides the few things that you hated about me, Why have they changed? just because you wanted them to. Yet you would not know that, I want you to take notice. I'm beyond tired of walking around defeated, I'm not ready to give up this fight for little of you I hold on to, If there is anything of you left for me to hold on for. I'm borderline about to fall into whatever lays beneath me, I just want for you to either show up and tell me you love me or help me get back to you. Its gotten to a point so bad where everytime I open my mouth 9 times out of 10, your the topic of conversation always. Shit Ty knows this, E knows this...Yet you do not know let alone probably care> Even though I want you to, whats even worse I miss you more than I've missed anyone, anything, I stay thinking about you every second, minute, hour,day,week, hell its been over a month now so I can add that too. Though I ask again...What would it take? I wish I could continue to further this blog into details of whats bothering me like seriously, Shit I would say it is bound to broke me. Truthfully it has broken me...I never felt this low before, If I make it out of this with you by my side. Trust & believe I'll make it perfect for the both of us....Though one thing that always stays on my mind outside of our many conversation's, in particular is the one from the day we were @ the star. When we went to see paranormal activity, that conversation is what keeps me moving or fighting through whatever bullshit there is. Just to get you back...Or get back to us. You were and will always be the one I want, rather its a person to confide in or cry with. Even if you could give me the cold shoulder, I'd still want you and still would want to be around you or by your side....What would it take? For you to have faith in me? To take me serious? To let me be who I once was. As much as you were my everything, you still are. Yet why cant I go back to being something close to your everything? I want to go into the personal details of everything I've just asked but thats only for us to know, and the world not to know...Right?

Please, Hold....

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I willing to keep trying, there is nothing more than I want in this world besides you. Honestly if I have to keep screaming it, fuck it...It is what it gotta be. I really wanted to talk to you, just out of pure conversation purposes. Also see what is going on, I had finally got up enough courage to go read your blog. No doubt why would I not take up for you? Your the woman I still love proudly and still in love with, rather you hate me or do not favor me like you once did. Which is basically telling me you borderline hate me, but I'll accept that. I really wanted to tell you how I felt and what has been bothering me and what I've been feeling like as of lately, though you probably just clammed up on me and just stopped responding. It hurt, love is never painless...deadass though it never is. It hurt even more when you told me "It was none of my concern" with whatever it was you were going through, Though what I feel makes you no difference. Yet, I am...Always have been and nothing will ever change that. Do you care? You say you do, I believe you do not then again your probably in between caring and not caring. I do not know the answer to that, and I would most definitely want to know that answer. I figure it'll go unanswered just like alot of the other things in my "Outbox", I really do want you back more than you probably imagine. I was shocked at what you said earlier, but I'm not to put it out there in quotations. For the simple fact that was between the two of us, Like I've said I've been working on a lot of things and would love to have the opportunity to work on it being a "Us" again. You really do not understand where I could be possibly coming from, this is far from blowing smoke up your ass. This is real fact ish, though given certain things you will not probably believe I'll continue to attempt to push for having us back. I believe, Shouldnt you? Or What could be that hinders you from doing so? You said life is all about risks, though you've taken some risks with me. Maybe just maybe that might be what it is, I honestly have the slightest clue. Though I will try to make you believe, I say again I refuse to move on. I dont want to, I dont think I should. I just want your attention, and you by my side. We were so close, now we may not even be remotely close to anything that we used to be in your eyes. Though I believe other wise, I say again Love wont go. Love will always go where Like wont go, Get it? I hope you do, outside of that I am kinda at a struggle for words. I dont want to lay whats left of my heart about you on my blog, in hopes of you reading it. So when and however we chat or probably see each other again, I only hope it will be positive with no ill will. Not saying you have any just talking out of caution....
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I say again, I've lost the one of the biggest things in life last year (R.I.P Mary L. Dial). I refuse to lose you too Ajene, I love you more than you could possibly imagine. I know I will probably never hear you say "I love you too" ever again, But I do want you to know that I never will stop loving you like I did unconditionally. I save all of myself just for you, even though you may not care....But just know I do, If I could remove the pain I caused please believe I will. I want to earn your trust back, by any means necessary....Deadass though...

Soul Slicer....Heart Dicer

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Good morning,I am @ that Holiday home 2 minutes 2 far away, It should not be hard to understand that. I did not get much sleep, typically a regular thing for me not to get much sleep now a days. Ty had told me to read Ajene's blog, though I am a follower I could not bring myself to go look at it. Hell it showed up on my dashboard, I just over looked it. Any and everything that has something remotely close to Ajene simply makes my heart drop and I get tense, Why? I will say for one a reason, I never lied when I told her my heart was hers. Given the my blogs go un-answered and most likely unread, I just wonder a lot of things. I can sit here an continue to scream about wanting her & "Us" back til my face is black and blue, I am not too far from believing it will not happen. One more thing I stay wondering is the conversations I had with Quiggles gets back to her, I hope it does since she refuses to talk to me. So that's another set of shots in the dark or loud cry's on deaf ears, I swear if we had the chance to spend one last evening together in person and actually talk without her clamming up. I believe a lot of things could be cleared up, then again its less likely I'm under the impression she wants nothing to do with me. While I want something if not everything to do with her, like seriously if I could explain how I really do miss her and would like to discuss the things I've been going through. Would make me feel a lot better,I guess this is what happens when life under the scope is broken and scrapped. I do not think she believes how hurt I am, then again I've kind of never really asked her about her feelings. Though I want for her to lay on my chest and talk to me like we used to, maybe bite me (If your reading this I hope you know what I am talking of you back biter). Anywhom I do not know how to reverse the feelings and love I have for her, then again I honestly do not want to do so. Anywhom it's almost 8am I got a long walk ahead of me, being out of luck and faith is like being broke and house broken. Wild aint it?
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I just want a tad bit of peace, With you...Loving me was never easy, Loving you was beyond easy and made me want to keep that love. Maybe you dont get, or if you reading maybe you do...And I just like to say that you dont.

2000 Words Right?

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They say a picture is worth a thousand words right? Well here is two, if you see this tell me what am I saying....

Beats, Rhymes, Art, Life & Love.

Man dealing with the shit I've endured this past week, borderline makes a nigga wanna pick up a Liquor happen. Or even worse a fucking drug habit and I aint talking weed.

Its funny how things are turning out, like extremely funny to the point where suicidal thoughts plague one's mind. Today, well more so this entire weekend and then some has been eye opening. Due to the fact I am becoming more of a loner, and realizing the fact is I do not trust a lot of people. Lol I say that as if I'm not aware of that or have not mentioned it before, seriously though I've been running to music in general just for temporary relief of the fucked up life. Then on top of that the retard who is like a father figure said some stupid things that like deadass ruffled my feathers, I mean we all know me & Ajene are no longer together let alone on talking terms. From her perspective...I wish it could change, not to mention I'll have to see her before this sunday to attempt to get my clothes I guess. I still haven't found anywhere to put my things when and if I do go get them, but that's another headache I'll have to worry about soon. Back to what I was saying originally, My godfather I love that man til the death of me as well as my godmother. Though they do say alot of fucked up shit, I still pay them no mind. Except for when it comes to bashing someone I more than loved, let alone still miss. I understand that parents try to uplift you and help you move forward from whatever the issue may be with their own child, but it is certain shit that should not be said. I like deadass got pissed, Honestly I dont know why I got pissed. Then again I do, for multiple reasons to be honest. I'll get into those before the blog is over with, go without saying I'm still aware of that I am still attached to her. So its a rock and a hard place, Its hard to deal with but hey fuck it I've been known to carry the world on my shoulders before but this time I'm doing it with out the lady who would take me away from it. I was looking at her blog not too long ago and seen one thing particular that like honestly set me aflame, like we had hit ends about this because she swore up and down she was not my everything or should not have been my everything. To quote things can always lead to negativity before positivity, but hey fuck it. I still believe the words left on the blog, why? I guess my views on love, loyalty & commitment are still what they used to be.
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Anywhom the following:
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Monday, July 20, 2009
I want to be...
I want to be everything you could ever want or need...
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I want to be your lady
I want to be your friend
I want to be your confidant
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I want to be the one that makes you smile
I want to be the one you go to when times are dark
I want to be the one you think of before you sleep
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I want to be the one you miss
I want to be the one your heart yearns for
I want to be the thought that gets you through the day
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I want to be the sun in your sky...
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I want to be your everything. I want to love you and I want you to love me back. I want to be the reason you'll never have to look to the past. I want us to build and grow into something beautiful...
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I want to be your everything...


Now with me posting this I'm pretty sure, no one will see this and someone...Whoever the fuck that Jackie Blue person she mentioned to me, probably see's every blog I post for some odd reason I really know not of who you are even though it is only 4 people (Including myself who can see my blog). I just want her to read and tell me what comes to mind, could it be revitalized. That heart still beats, in my world atleast. Maybe in your world it is dead and gone, maybe its in suspended state of animation hell who knows outside of you right?
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There is nothing more I want right now besides to just fall on my ass in the grass or dirt somewhere, and let it all out...tears fears. Everything all while you could be watching from a distance thinking to yourself telling me it'll be ok, I'll settle for that. Hell I wish you the best and happiest and I believe that this is why I feel the way I do. I will say this, like I told my fucking godparents. I refuse to let anyone talk about you rather its indirectly, or in a negative manner I'm not having it. I refuse to and that goes far outside of the things you've done and or shit I could've done to make things better. Hell if i had a chance to I would, I been saying that but it goes unheard. Though that's I have shit to go through this morning and I could not sleep to save my life, and had you on the mind yo. I'm off, until the next blog. I love you....even if the feeling and thrilling is gone....





"That's Why I Envy Omar
Because So Far, I'm Nowhere Close To Malik and Deja

And that's Some Higher Learning
Trying Ta Excel With The Brake On
I'll Have You Stuck In The Same Spot
With The Tires Burnin" - Drake
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My Like & Love Wont Go.....

The Rabbit Hole

This may be the Grey goose speaking, but I miss you...I like deadass cant front as if I dont,Do you care? Do you think of me? Why do I constantly think of you? I mean do not let these liqour filled thoughts mislead, I seriously do. Given I've been around E as of the last day or so, He asked about you. I refuse to front or not even care to put it out there I actually broke down and cried, imagine that...I felt like I was uncontainably crying. For what though? I am still not clear on that. Then again I am, I broke down similar to the day we laid Mary to rest. Speaking of which, I just want to kick back and put this out there since I've been thinking about your Birthday that just passed. Mary things were all shot to shit since you were called home, I just wanted you to know even though you were watching from up above. I had found a lovely woman named Ajene I fell for and made a eternal pact with that I had violated, I hope you were proud of how I held the fort down as long as I could before it was my time to go. It was hell of a summer, from the very last time we spoke. I made due on my end of things, I remember that evening like it was yesterday. I attempted to visit the place in my mind where I still re-live those exact moments over again before the morning I found you in that state, I had found a loving and lovable woman in Ajene who loved and cared unconditionally. Even through the times where I really felt I was nothing more than something or someone wasting away, She helped pull me out of that frame of mind I was going into after your funeral. She was there for me when your people came through tearing the house apart looking for your will, and began getting things together for the yard sale. I assume this is why I am beyond hurt about losing her, I mean...I lost her to due my stupidty of trying to please everyone. When I say that I mean as in trying to see if giving a friendship with Rachele could've sufficed, but it didnt. It led to the ultimate downfall and probably left her feeling beyond betrayed, Which I say again I do not fault her for in the least bit. I just wanted to kept the road I felt or thought I was on with her while thinking it could be forgiven and not forgotten, but time told otherwise. I was on top of the world, with Ajene. She was the reason alot of good things were looking up, from the evenings she spent with me when she got off work. To the times she would do things she did not have to do or so forth, hell even helped me found a job which is hell of alot more than most of my family did or any woman I dealt with before. Then the time she came of to Shae's crib with me that one evening, when I do not even think she knew where she was going. Yet still came and kicked it with me while Shae had booked on me, That was the night/morning that made our relationship beyond solid. Which was also the same night/Morning I had basically asked her to be my girlfriend, I was even more content with just being in her presence and after all the heartfelt talks we did have. She was more than the apple of my eye, and with just about every positive there was the negative. Which was Rachele, I dealt with alot of unnecessary things throughout the road to me and Ajene becoming a couple. I never intended to have her drug into it, but then again you've warned me countless times throughout april. After me and her had broken up that she would be the one to scare or ruin the next relationship I would have gotten into, Why her though? I cant say I did not allow it, In the same sense I did. Though I attempted to try and keep a somewhat decent friendship with her, Why? I dont know I believed I could have thought she would've wanted to have seen me happy. Then again I do not know why I believed that, though things were some what ok through the process of me leaving the house. Ajene was the one who sprung for the better looking situation we both ended up in came September, It will always be a memorable experience. Though I would've wanted it to have been in better circumstances, I refuse to go into details about this anymore than I have. I really just want her back, outside of that I believed and still believed the things we talked about. More so in particular the conversation we had before we had seen "Paranormal Activity", I doubt she even remembers that but oh well this blog is just to get the things thats bothering me off of my chest. I'm sorry it came down to me being intoxicated but I felt I would rather do it this way, So I can atleast say I was more than completely honest in what I said. As far as anything else I did land a job, even though it was basically "Seasonal" I assume. It was a great experience, worked with some great people. I'm trying to carry whats left of that momentum into the next job I'm trying to land, other than that I've been back home jumping since things became worse and I was dumped. I want to say we broke up....but, I am not to go into that because it'll make me feel worse than I already do. Not to mention I ended up talking to Rachele about us breaking up, I told her I hoped she was happy that she got what she wanted and then some. That lead to me looking for comfort of some sort as if her's could've sufficed but in the end I ended up getting thrown under the bus again, I'm not blaming no one but my ownself for that. Seeing as I purposely failed to mention the debacle throughout November isnt personally one of the things I want to discuss, seeing as alot of things went down and was used against me. Due to my own stupidity. So in the end it more than likely lead up to both Rachele getting the major victory she wanted, and Ajene leaving me and more than likely on the road to moving on. Where does that leave me? I've been home jumping, attempting to get something jumping soon. Though I refuse to end up in a shelter, which would've still been a big possibility if Ajene would've never went the way she went. I just lived as if being in a shelter was never a possibility, I still refuse to go to one. Not saying I am better than anyone which I am far from it, I just refuse to admit I hit beyond rock bottom just yet. Its bad enough I walk around feeling defeated and not caring about my self worth anymore, maybe I am actually feeling broken spirited. I have not felt such a way in so long or something remotely close to this in a long time, So this is one of those rare moments where I'll attempt to get it off my chest again. In hopes of feeling better even it is temporary, back to the events of things that has happen to me. Me & Chris are no longer tight like we use to be, Funny aint it? the one I spent the most time around I am no long tight with. I still hang and bang with your favorites Egan & Tyler, we're tighter than ever. Though I cannot burden my own brothers with my pain, I do not even want them to attempt to share this pain with me because I need them to be strong and stay on their paths. I do not trust Brittany anymore (She still my lil sista to the death of me just like Boogie is), but given the shit she's pissed at me about is now at an all time high and instead of trying to make it right I'll just cut it off. I'm still tight with Boogie, She's @ Kysu doing her school thing still my little sister til the death of me also. Chicky Wing is also getting big, He's walking around and starting fights and shit. Grandma or cora let alone Courtney have not been the same since you left, It hurts to know that you made such a big impact on their live's as much as you did for Egan and Ty & Chris. I just want things to come somewhat back in control for me, I never beilieved things could spiral out of control so fast in so little time. I guess that is what I get for not trying to shake my past right? I wish you were alive or still around in some sort of way to have met Ajene. I know you would've loved her, like I still do. Well that's as much as I can tell you for now Mary...I miss and love you beyond what you can see from up in heaven, Let me know if there is a v.i.p in there also.



I have yet to come visit you, I'm afraid of doing such. So I keep my distance, which just so happens that is beginning to become my new escape. Outside of music which is what I stopped running to, I had ran to Ajene. She was there with open arms, and Unconditional love. I want to say it was not unconditional love, then again if the tables were turned and I went through the bullshit I pulled or put her through. I can honestly say I would have never closed the door of love, like now I have yet to close the book on the chapter. How can you close a book or chapter when that book was not even half of the way done? Well atleast in my eyes...


Honestly, for Ajene if you so happen to read this if you've read any of my blogs. I really do not want this to sound like any plea or anything close to it, I just want to hear 3 words from you. I doubt that I will ever hear them again, So I listen to one of your Vm's you left me ages ago. Though everything that has had something to do with you has broken or fell apart I just want you to know over again for the billionth time, I love your more than life itself. You say it shouldn't be such away, but I believe other wise...You can say or do whatever you like or feel. I will feel no different about how or what I feel for you, though anything I could possibly say and or do will never account for the things I've said and or want to do. I just hope that somewhere somehow you still feel the way I do, even if you believe I am acting like Rachele when me and her had broken up. Call it what you like, This is real and non reversable so until something shakes. I'll say this I am waiting until the opportunity shows itself again if it ever shows itself, when and if it does I'll take advantage of it and have you back as my woman. I love you A.L.Z....From Roderic... (Originally BBKF)

The Surviving Elements...

You learn, You Live, You Evolve...
But You Never..
Ever..
Let Go.

You are my brass ring I am back to reaching for....
If I pull it together...
And make it sooner than later..
May we pick it up where we left off?
Please dont move on...

Fell Right Out The Sky....

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Yes! You've read it here first, for what reason could I be? I mean you see the blog roll over there.~~~~~~~> Feel free to click it, I mean it could possibly give you a clue to as in why I am paranoid or beyond angry. Its too much going on in, with very little space open of my "Window of opportunity". I am constantly losing outlets of stress and anger fast, I never really ran from taking my losses. I more so spend time acknowledging my losses, Not to mention I'm still trying to figure out who I talk to outside of my own brothers. I mean we're still tighter than ever, which is always a given. Minus the fact its that time of the year where we hit our annual slump as far as the "Luck of the draw" goes, I've just taken it a tad more personal and harder than before honestly. Not only because of how I repeatedly keep playing over the month of December in my mind, now I'm playing January over & over again as if this was a terrible highlight reel. Not to mention the one thing or person I continue to scream and yell about does not want anything to do with me, Maybe she does but I might just say that she does not. I heard from her bff recently and I aint one to throw things out there but atleast I had some bit of sanity from the words she threw my way, outside of that the woman who caused this break up got what she want and is living the high life off of my own misery. Its true what they say misery does love company until its time to move on, I just want the relationship back between me and Azidula. It does not even have to revolve around being with her, I just want the ability to continue to confide in her. Even if she does not want to listen and or shoots me down like previous times, But I see that obviously cant happen for whatever reason she would like to give. I do not know rather I'm taking this harder than i was suppose to, but you have not painted a clear picture for anything besides something that could reach negativity. I refuse to give it up for whatever reason none the less, but that is another blog for another day.
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Outside of that I've been wanting to spill it all to Ty, but he has his own issues we're trying to work on. Honestly I hate to expose so much of my hurting side to my own brother(S), given it is not a bad thing I just do not want them to see what it is I go through even though we're there every step of the fucking way. Not to mention E is on some other shit as of lately, I'm not gonna go off in to dire detail about that. Chris....Well we all know we rarely ever talk let alone hang out anymore, I'm happy about that...Why? because when bro bro is ready to step into our world then we'll be here if not, fuck it. Umm outside of that as far as the "Brittany-Rick" thing goes, I do not speak to her anymore for the time being. Its no love lost at all, just simply trust which has walked completely out of the door. Its sad to say I do not normally lose faith in people, but after how that bullshit played out between us. I do not think I'll ever trust her ever again, It sounds bitch made...Maybe it do maybe it does not. Though I am the only one who will have to deal with it no one else, So let that be known and understood. No matter who or what, I just want to know someone or something will hear or see what I have to say. On to other things of topic, I've been trying to get everything back in order but it honestly seems like everything that had somewhat of a foundation has cracked and caved in. Why? Hell if I know, I just want it to stop this "Domino Effect" is one of the worst feelings in the world. I want it to stop, but the more I try to make it stop. The faster shit goes haywire on me, I never felt this in a while especially after investing more than heart and everything else behind it. I do not ever want to feel this feeling again, alot of things are going unsaid and unfinished. I as I type this I'm feeling like I'm confusing myself so if I have confused you just bare with me, and see if we can complete this portrait of verbal colors.
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I honestly do not know what to say, I mean I spend enough time away from what kept my sanity, and yet we fell short of a year and made alot of progress in that lil time. Sky still being the limit, and to be thinking ahead of time. I hope she even tells me happy birthday (March 10th for those that do not know), Hell I know I'll tell her happy bday given its 4 days before my little sister's birthday. I'm just thinking ahead of future, Back to my thoughts though. I really havent even made a pass at another woman since that whole episode, due to the "Rejection factor" which I've always been aware of. Though, I do not want to start over unlike some who already have. Last thing I typed someone is bound to take that as "Shots fired" when its not, but oh well if so it is what gotta be. I forgot my blog is special invite only, and I doubt the one who I want to read my blog does not even read my blog anymore.
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Outside of that I'm really uncomfy being a house jumper yet again, I mean honestly not having a stable home was something I've been accustomed to. Which I shouldnt be but hey it is what it gotta be, Once it stops I'll be ever so content. Then again I wouldnt, I'm beginning to believe that whole "Dont get too comfortable" shit. Funny aint it? Especially when you were and still is all about that person, even if they've moved on and forgotten about you. I do not want to be forgotten but then again it seems like that is all that happens when shit is over, and as far as friendships go..Their becoming obsolete, Like deadass obsolete. Outside of my brothers the only friendship or relationship I truly wanted more than anything was yours, I should not even have to spill out the name again. Then again Pictures of us from a previous recent blog are up, so thats that. I still want that picture of us from Friday's but i doubt that you have it and eventually I'll be to get my stuff and probably throw the shit away, even though i need it but do not have anywhere to put it. So moving on, I just want it all to go away like I probably said earlier in the blog I'd want the relationship fuck having to see you. I mean every night before I lay my head down I think about numerous things ranging from death to jail and you, seeing as I cant call you whenever or however just does not sit well with me.Then again its never about what I wanted. though about what you wanted right? well that is all for this blog. Remember, Falling out the sky does not mean you will land on your back, just hit the ground running.

Almost Time To Roll The Credits....

I've been going beyond crazy, I hate to admit more times than I feel comfy. That I am more than hurt and do not know what how or where to turn, talk about my brain in a blender. Deadass though, I'm almost to the point where I will hate women for the simple fact that I cant have her as my Gf or my bestfriend. Also for the woman who happened to be the reason of the break up and how I got fucked over multiple times, Then this damn "Domino Effect" is still bothering me. Now it seems like anything I have had in relation or tied into Ajene is either fucked up or broken, Talk about losing while dealing with it all...I had my mind set on the overdue blog, but I wanted to get this off my chest. So maybe later if I am still where I am I'll do it, Shouts out to E for his 23rd Bday this past sunday. Lol March 10th I'm next up...If I'm still alive....

Just A Slight Quick Post.

While having access to a computer for something, than trying to continue on what I was doing. No time for details, I just wanted to post what I can while I can. Save what tad bit of sanity I still possess, I am slowly but surely starting to believe a lot of things that should not have been coming to this point. What could it be? I'd have to paint that picture someother time when I'm actually able to sit down for longer than 20 minutes, I do have time on attempting to paint this picture before I go half past dead. Outside of that I've received the first blows of 2010, and I am beyond pissed about it. Multiple reasons...just leave it at that, Just know I have not changed. In the least bit I've been shook the demon that I swore I was rid of, I want to say more but it will add back to the shit I had shaken. I still want a lot of someone, I did not want to confess everything since I would not have time to elaborate on what I should. Please do understand, like someone wise once said "I've been watching, I've been listening, I've been close, I've been told". I refuse to lose, I can get it all back with just a little practice. As my dude QuEST said "I Like Models, I Like models, Big booty long hair cute face models/ Love to make it wobble in the club scream, I dont give I dont Give I dont give a FUCK!!" - QuEST "Cosign".....

Until the next time I am able to sit down and do this remember, Lyrics and Love along with blogs and words are like life....It is never painless....

Fuggagedboutit

The title does not make much sense like that, neither does the picture does it? but it comes from the entitled 'Requiem of a Dream'
is about lives of like 6-8 drug addicts, as they chase their high, the world that they chose to live in only seems better. When the world they chose to live in gets worse, the mother takes pills, the child shoots up and snorts and smoke, adn everyone plays an important role. The whole plot of this post was...What happens when the world you chose to live in becomes better? When the better just does not stop? (answer here _____________).For me life is no longer at that point, I am striving to obtain the type of life and woman (Ajene) which I & whats left of my Familia Royale have no worse. Just all positivity, so with that said I am to try doing kind of sort of big things. Hopefully it happens, but first I am chasing a woman in which seems like a complete pipe dream. For some odd reason I do not want to give up, not to mention the blog I seen from a certain someone I called my "Lil Sista". Has beyond pissed me off and really pushed me further into the protect bubble I do not want to go in to. We'll let those unfold on there own.
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Now my intentions were not to be involved in anymore things that are liable to destroy a supposed "Friendship" or "Sibling Relationship", Yet how can you trust or share things with someone when they turn around and attempt to cut in to you when you spent money on them? I've never nor will I ever be one to complain about money spent on someone else out of the kindness of my own heart, No one had a gun to my head and forced me to do such. So lets analyze the following I've seen and heard from this person's blog:

"Man I was so pissed off the other day like Nigga you suppose to be my bro dude and you sit up and bring this bitch over knowing that this bitch want him, like him, and mite even want to fuck him if he already didn't hit it. Man this some bs....If you don't like what I'm saying O fucking well you know why because that's what you said when you brought that Rat in the house...OK yea she your so called lil sista lolz watz so fucked up i thought i was Ur Lil sista wait didn't i kno you be4 this bitch but i guess that don't matter huh."
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How is it you claim to be pissed of at me because of whom I associate myself with outside of you? It was not like we came in and chilled in the living room and kicked it, and things made a turn for the worse. Far from it, your infidelity's are starting to become your downfall. So before you begin to go off on a streak of "Bitching" or "Nagging" please evaluate the following, Just as well as I claim you as my "Lil sista" and her as my other "Little Sis". You cannot attempt to dictate who I associate myself with, let alone catch a attitude about such. It negates and completely shows how Insecure you are, because I swore in the days I have been around when I've had my money I spent it with or on you as well as Ty and my little man Chicky wing correct? Secondly, I can always have more than one sister. Hence Felicia, Angel...Must the list go on? So you can put aside the simple Infant act on that. Thirdly, this is exactly why I do not talk to much of anyone. The month of December shut many proverbial doors, also showed who's who. I figured you were one of the premier who's who, that I would not have to question about their loyalty. In the midst of me showing love and spending what little money I had that I should not have spent, But you will not know nor pay attention to that.
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Act II:
"Like damn do you even have any RESPECT????DO YOU...NO because if you cared or if i was your so called lil sista why the fuck are you bring the yamp in the house that I'm in knowing i don't like the hoe????And knowing that she don't like me and she want him. I wanted to fuck her up but see me i have RESPECT That's mommy house and she was there so there for i didn't say shit or do shit. This is not only the 1st time but the 2 or 3rd time this happen while i was there and ya'll wonder why i bitch Like damn REALLY LOLZ. Niigas that you call your fam is roofless now wow....like didn't i tell you that, that shit was bold the 1st time like damn."

I continuously have much respect and love for those I call my family, I never cross that line unlike you have in many cases. Yet, I do not judge you or fault you. Instead I come to aid/rescue instead of making things worse than what possibly could have been. Also you not liking her, Honestly has nothing to do with me. Has it been acknowledged you do not like her? Yes, Its been acknowledge and taken into consideration. You fail to understand that I have no "Beef" or issue with you or her, In my dealings with her and you are never to cross. Never have never will, yet your not mental up there enough to understand that. Outside of that, I really did not have to sit down and take the time out to explain myself or this situation. Yet I still did, So why continue to even complain about someone having associate's or family outside of you? There are many lines between Respect and Love, yet you blur them so you no longer no where to separate the two. Yet again I say I do not fault you nor judge you or act indifferent toward you, for example I still said "Hi" or "You can't say hi" yet you attempted to play me to the left. Did I go off and make a blog called "The fake and the real?" No, I took it for what it is and let it be. Worse come worse it is what it gotta be. Remember that, also if I was talking to her at 2 in the A.m. that is my decision. Not yours nor your place to think of telling me who I can or can not speak with at that time of the morning, anyone that knows me and or deals with me including you of all people. Should be aware I am able to talk if you need me or feel the need to have someone to talk so you should not even complain about that, when you've done far worse things. Yet it is not my place nor my objective to subject you to such scrutiny your dig? In The rest of the times to come, I'll Just give it the Kanye Shrug....

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Now outside of that, back to business I am surely sorry that I had to get that out of the way. So now I can finish the actual reason of this blog, So in recent times I have been selectively extremely quiet, much to the fact I have been acting like (insert emotion here) of many. I wanted take this time out now to be obivious to the fact, when speaking about the time we’ve spent apart. I think I’ll write this like as if I was actually going to mail this to you Ajene,I know that I had/have violated our bond or pact we made. I am far from perfect, and never intend to be. Yet I know that whole issue could be forgiven which is has yet to seeing as how things have turned out, I wish things could turn out differently or I could've did things so much better. From being a better Bestfriend (if I was considered such) also being a better lover, I can explain that issue in person if you were to ever sit down and talk or spend time with me to get this out the way. I feel like a some sort of person saving myself for that one person to come back or give me the time or day (Again), Yet I just want everything to continue where it fell off track and better it to the best of my ability.

Some things got clarified quickly, Or so I thought because of the nature of such clarification, I am not at going to speak on such things VIA Internet blog. So some I am seeing and slowly understanding my questions will go unanswered for good. I am now aware the fact that privacy is a right and a privilege that should be enjoyed and not violated. Perhaps my lack of value for our privacy is what lead me to that ultimate end, I prefer to say pause or break if its okay to say such. Hell my lack of value of my own privacy is the reason I'm blogging now to begin with. Well I fret not, world. Though a sharp decrease in contact with a certain someone and renewed faith in there possibly being a continuation of us will go un-noted, everything I have to say and deem necessary to share will come out in the form of trying to talk to you and you only. Just know I am here for you, rather it is to hear and be heard. I have not had the proper outlet for me to speak, let alone speak to anyone besides Ty and E (Boogie Also!!). Anyone else does not matter I've slowly found little to no trust in a lot of those who I figured surround me, It means nothing at all without you. Maybe you take this as one long plea for wanting you back, It could be then again I might have evolved into whatever you were aiming to get me to do. Who knows? I have not had who found solice in my solstice....
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In the midst of this blog I received a call@ 4:04a.m., "Why is your blog special Invite only?" because It is only right that if I want Ajene back. I must take the necessary step or steps in the path of proving to her, I am still and willing to be her and or be hers. Regardless if I get her back in the end rather it is as my Mrs. Ray (Girlfriend, could be wife, ETC). I have to continue you stay away from you, and for you to tell me "Your story does not match her" not only warrants a further conversation. Last I checked you have a new boyfriend, you've won numerous times. rather it was getting in her head and or my actions causing the proverbial melee, I refuse to go back down that road. I know that the end of this is far from over, and will continue to end is dismay. I just hate when it comes to me or questions being asked about me, answers come in the form of anger filled answers. That could be avoided, I just hope my blog reaches Ajene's heart in great spirits and somehow helps me and my struggle to achieve not only my bestfriend back. Also the woman I love, even if it does not get me any closer.

Love. I love you still...and forever.

I'm off back to sleep, now that I have vented and attempted to make one more step to whatever awaits me in the light. Negative or positive...

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You'll see this eventually, The only pic we've had together.
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Sitting at this damn public library, is like one nerve wrecking task in it own right. Knocked out some more Job applications, dropped into a few stores. Anywhom, I had received a text saying "AJ messaged me today". Now instinctively I already know how that is about to end, just like the rest of the things that came around over and over again. I will say this I've let it be known time and time again, I was and still am all about Azidula (Most of you already know her name). I've been righting what little wrongs there was, in a big attempt to get her back even if "Love doesnt live here anymore"
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Like deadass though, Thats all understandable. I refuse to be portrayed as someone who is trying to vie for one's attention while being in another woman's grill, fuck that. We all know where my heart was at and where it still is, if anyone one has wondered? Yes, I did call that nigga and told her I hoped she was happy that me and Azidula was no longer together. Yes, I said we were beefed out and said a few "Fuck Her"'s in the process. Was it out of anger? Yes, did I mean it? No, so everything that has happened is not and will not be worth regret from her side, then come to find out later that it was exactly what she wanted. This is why i specifically asked to spend one last evening with you rather it was the end, or a new beginning. No one believes me for what reason? Lack of proof? Who is to say there is none? Who is there to say its not substantial?
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Yes, My love for you is still at its pique and will not change even if its for the time being...but how can one attempt to deal with trying to earn someone back and right there own wrongs, and balance dealing with someone else who says:

"Rick and I had our ups and downs and he is currently at a place where neither him nor I want him to be, nonetheless, I am at a point where I understand that I cannot live for anyone but me and my sanity comes first."

"Plus I have the courage to step out the box as far as men go and venture to the man of maturity and stability. For those that know me... It is sooooo good to talk to some one that is of their own."
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What else is there more to say I mean really? I keep getting short ended, mostly of my own fuck-up's. Which I'm more than willing to admit, and if Azidula is mad nor know when she is going to stop being mad. I'm around, rather my phone will be off or not I'll stay around waiting on the day I hear the words I yearn to hear "Lets try it again". It would be all good if everything wouldn't have went certain directions or false hopes, but shit cant change and I refuse to believe people change that quickly in under 4hours of sleep. So I say for now, Whenever you want to see my phone for the proof or whatever your searching for or could change everything let me know. It'll be here....



"Whats star when his most important fan is missing?" - Drake