I turned 24 back in March. I know...I know. I'm not at "Mid-life crisis" yet, still on the kinda young side. It’s really not much of a milestone like 25 (Though I am a fucking year away from it), I’m not quite in my late twenties yet, just hitting the mid's. The last 3 or 4 years of my life have been full of growth and many changes subtle & non-subtle changes. Very painful experiences... These experiences that felt too ill to be fucking true.
Although my birthday weekend was damn good, it managed to have a few minor wrinkles in it. Between familia, women drama as always, along with me trying to make sense of all of it, I realized how much I may or may not matured in the past few years, and much more growing still has happen. I remember being 21 thinking I knew so much about the punkass world. Looking back in retrospect, I would have probably loved to have learned between then and now.
Cherish all friendships.
"Not all friendships are created equal" Which is true, though I am blessed with a good number of people who I can turn to for anything. I have learned over the years that part of being a good friend is allowing people to be there for you as much as you are there for them. Like relationships with chicks, relationships require time and effort. I am grateful for those people who are great friends to me.
Love just does not trump all.
Love clouded my logic on many occasions. Not just in relationships only. Love for anyone leaves you to tolerate bullshit and can cloud your good judgment along with your ability to take of your needs if you let it. please distinguish logic and good sense from the emotion of it all. Take care of yourself, even though it may hurt you to do so.
Self-love is more under-rated these days.
Or I just didnt utilize it. Actually, I’m not sure if I can put it into words. I deadass know is that I started to take a real interest in pursuing my happiness, I’m not apologetic about shit, like I used to be in the past. I’m not just taking on an "Fuck it all" attitude. I am actively attempting in taking care of my physical and mental health (Post on that to come sooner or later). I try not to, unless my happiness at that moment is caught up in deciding between two chicks, which in case happens often. HEY! I'm a work in progress, and I've been scarred by love like all. Hell ask me I've been scarred more than most.
"Letting go of something can take as much work as trying to hold on to it."
Trying not to think about something or someone is hard work. Especially when the situation or person keeps making appearances in your life. Letting go requires you to make amends with whatever the situation is. It really requires accepting it for what it is, with nothing else behind it. It means surrendering (which I've never been good at anyway). In most cases, it feels like giving up or losing a fight in some way that you knew in your mind you could win. "Letting go" really just means making room for future possible blessings or struggles. Either way, trying to carry too much at once will weigh you down. I do this more than anything, Everything that came with you can’t stay.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Words Pride Will Not Let Me Say.
Please listen to this song before or while reading:
I honestly read and re-read the words she says, I mean is it wrong? Yes/No though she is guilty of the same thing. We are not in the midst of a conversation. We rarely ever talk now. In weeks, I havent heard her voice that I enjoy. Just hearing the simple things she says, rather it sharp words or not. Yet I wasn’t surprised by the things I expect of her.
These were serious words.... Not only because of the meaning. simply because of the “rules” she had established. I rarely let her tell me anything that just may break me, Then again it is alot of things that bother me... unless it became serious.
I changed my from jazz to this Show Tufli track I been od'n to and read her words again. Did she aim that at me?
....
.....
......
.......
........
No mental response...
My chest and my head grew light with pain. My eyes swelled, yet pride stopped tears from escaping. Refer to this as some sort physical manifestation called heartbreak. I don’t even know why or where to begin.
She and I have been officially “broke up" since 4-22-09, Damn. Has she been gone that long? Regardless of the year hiatus from 2k10, I had just visited her mind asking things I have yet to ask, again. Though, this meeting was awkward 04-08-11. I know she wanted to tell me something... despite all the bullshit conversations we had, the true meaning of our random meet-up was never mentioned to the public in details. Still, there it hid with us through all our BS spats, forced smiles and forced lies. It was and still is a ever present & unwelcomed stranger.
Even the very last time I had been in her bedroom, I personally could see the finale of it all faintly reflected in each our eyes. Now, a month later, there it was something I expected to see later than sooner. I didn’t blame her for it was just a free thought thrown into the world free of charge.
....
.....
......
.......
........
Months will pass by, even maybe years before I think of letting her reach out...more so that deeply into me again. I could never just be her friend to be frank about it. I’ll always love her and she knows it. I sit bitter and silent on my end. Waiting but not really ever expecting to hear from her ever again. I never ignore her but I can’t bring myself to contact her first after alot of things between us. She had, after all, chosen him over me. Like all times before him and others... I always respect her decision, but I don’t ever have to fucking like it.
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
She can have me back if she wanted and she knew it. But, she doesn’t want it to be that simple (I guess). She wants me to beg & plead for her to be mines again... She wants me to fight for her, save her from whatever, and make her be with me.
Eventually her month long absences stretched into a year. Which I grew accustomedto during one particularly long break.
Pulling me back into a life I was trying, to move on from. Then I wonder if I had changed my FB or something. I could never know for sure. I had lied to myself on her behalf on more occasions than I cared to remember.
I was disgusted with myself for failing her.
I thought about the life I had lived in her absence while my frustration got the better of me. I wonder consciously and verbally why she left me and continues to do so every chance she gets, I chase after her. I run after her, Yet it is never reciprocated. When she has man in her life who loves her and who she claimed she loved back (as a friend). She accuses me of letting it happen, in my failing to rescue her, I was an accomplice in my own way of "Playing her".
A part of me wants to tear through heaven & hell to reach her. I tell myself that eventually I’d never think of the right words to say. Maybe I don’t want to. I slowly accept that although she was the woman I wanted, she may not be the woman I needed. She is my heroin and I am her cocaine. Maybe addicted to misery but longing for happiness. In the end, I ask a friend who has witnessed our episode for her advice. she objectively reminded me that we brought out the best in one another and the worst, but in the latter part of our relationship, the worst could now surface more than the best. Is this true?
I honestly read and re-read the words she says, I mean is it wrong? Yes/No though she is guilty of the same thing. We are not in the midst of a conversation. We rarely ever talk now. In weeks, I havent heard her voice that I enjoy. Just hearing the simple things she says, rather it sharp words or not. Yet I wasn’t surprised by the things I expect of her.
These were serious words.... Not only because of the meaning. simply because of the “rules” she had established. I rarely let her tell me anything that just may break me, Then again it is alot of things that bother me... unless it became serious.
I changed my from jazz to this Show Tufli track I been od'n to and read her words again. Did she aim that at me?
....
.....
......
.......
........
No mental response...
My chest and my head grew light with pain. My eyes swelled, yet pride stopped tears from escaping. Refer to this as some sort physical manifestation called heartbreak. I don’t even know why or where to begin.
She and I have been officially “broke up" since 4-22-09, Damn. Has she been gone that long? Regardless of the year hiatus from 2k10, I had just visited her mind asking things I have yet to ask, again. Though, this meeting was awkward 04-08-11. I know she wanted to tell me something... despite all the bullshit conversations we had, the true meaning of our random meet-up was never mentioned to the public in details. Still, there it hid with us through all our BS spats, forced smiles and forced lies. It was and still is a ever present & unwelcomed stranger.
Even the very last time I had been in her bedroom, I personally could see the finale of it all faintly reflected in each our eyes. Now, a month later, there it was something I expected to see later than sooner. I didn’t blame her for it was just a free thought thrown into the world free of charge.
....
.....
......
.......
........
Months will pass by, even maybe years before I think of letting her reach out...more so that deeply into me again. I could never just be her friend to be frank about it. I’ll always love her and she knows it. I sit bitter and silent on my end. Waiting but not really ever expecting to hear from her ever again. I never ignore her but I can’t bring myself to contact her first after alot of things between us. She had, after all, chosen him over me. Like all times before him and others... I always respect her decision, but I don’t ever have to fucking like it.
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
She can have me back if she wanted and she knew it. But, she doesn’t want it to be that simple (I guess). She wants me to beg & plead for her to be mines again... She wants me to fight for her, save her from whatever, and make her be with me.
Eventually her month long absences stretched into a year. Which I grew accustomedto during one particularly long break.
Pulling me back into a life I was trying, to move on from. Then I wonder if I had changed my FB or something. I could never know for sure. I had lied to myself on her behalf on more occasions than I cared to remember.
I was disgusted with myself for failing her.
I thought about the life I had lived in her absence while my frustration got the better of me. I wonder consciously and verbally why she left me and continues to do so every chance she gets, I chase after her. I run after her, Yet it is never reciprocated. When she has man in her life who loves her and who she claimed she loved back (as a friend). She accuses me of letting it happen, in my failing to rescue her, I was an accomplice in my own way of "Playing her".
A part of me wants to tear through heaven & hell to reach her. I tell myself that eventually I’d never think of the right words to say. Maybe I don’t want to. I slowly accept that although she was the woman I wanted, she may not be the woman I needed. She is my heroin and I am her cocaine. Maybe addicted to misery but longing for happiness. In the end, I ask a friend who has witnessed our episode for her advice. she objectively reminded me that we brought out the best in one another and the worst, but in the latter part of our relationship, the worst could now surface more than the best. Is this true?
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I noticed that I write on tracing paper when it comes to yourself & I, to remind me that my words are transparent to you. When written down and spoken, My thoughts become frosted glass. Blurred up in the shower room for others, just another that draws strange words upon you. You translate me, On the pages of that notebook we call a heart. You make accusations and tell me what it is you claim to feel. The sad thing is that almost always, You are right. Yet never divulge everything you feel about me, or dont want about me....
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Where Are You Going? We Shouldnt Be Slowing Down.
A good friend of mine told me that I would've been the perfect guy, if ever I looked in the mirror and thought about changing my ways. She said I should start by being kind to people, Yet I'm already that. I often kind to those every chance I get so when my name is brought up, it is with something associated with kindness (Or bitterness depending on the subject.)
Kind, what does that really mean? To be caring against other people? To care, Sounds about right!?
A couple of years ago, I had been really hurt. I’m not gonna go into details about it, but it was because of a under 6month long relationship with a girl that ended badly (not once but twice, Which leaves room for you to dig or wonder who I am talking about.). After that I swore myself never to fall in love again and never to be weak, easily hurt. So I put up my defense mechanism.
I can honestly admit I honestly have not been in love with a new woman, Since 09'. That goes alot of ways, Given I'm still in love with someone. (See What I did there? Why yes, Yes you did...Its more to dig if you see me away from the keyboard.)
I thought that by being subtly arrogant, non-judgmental, rude and (somewhat) heartless I would look stronger and do better in this life. But it doesnt fully work. Instead I thought about alienating my friends for the chance of meeting new people. Whenever I met a new girl (Whenever I do), I'll date her for a lil' while. Then I'll aim to find something wrong with her because I’m kind of gifted at finding something I don’t like the most in a woman (Yet I just continue, sometimes because its better than singing 'Rihanna - So hard' in the shower).
All these wonderful, beautiful, amazing, intelligent girls that I let go because of me wanting you for whatever fucking reason...along with the possibly ignorant way of looking at the world and people. I never thought that I’m not perfect either (Sometimes). All of us have faults and unfortunately, I am no exception..I'm aware of that. Now I never regret not being the perfect guy for these women, I rather be something like it to just one. I never tell them this and how I really feel about them, I just explained myself out of talking about it.
Eventually I have to take down the defense mechanism and let other people in. I have to be a kinder person, more thoughtful and caring hopefully. Also I’ve understood is this, the fact of me being a gentle human being, doesn’t make me a weaker one atleast to my own eyes. Though she tells me I'm nothing in just about everything that comes out of her mouth
Wow, this is too deep for a Thursday right!?
Kind, what does that really mean? To be caring against other people? To care, Sounds about right!?
A couple of years ago, I had been really hurt. I’m not gonna go into details about it, but it was because of a under 6month long relationship with a girl that ended badly (not once but twice, Which leaves room for you to dig or wonder who I am talking about.). After that I swore myself never to fall in love again and never to be weak, easily hurt. So I put up my defense mechanism.
I can honestly admit I honestly have not been in love with a new woman, Since 09'. That goes alot of ways, Given I'm still in love with someone. (See What I did there? Why yes, Yes you did...Its more to dig if you see me away from the keyboard.)
I thought that by being subtly arrogant, non-judgmental, rude and (somewhat) heartless I would look stronger and do better in this life. But it doesnt fully work. Instead I thought about alienating my friends for the chance of meeting new people. Whenever I met a new girl (Whenever I do), I'll date her for a lil' while. Then I'll aim to find something wrong with her because I’m kind of gifted at finding something I don’t like the most in a woman (Yet I just continue, sometimes because its better than singing 'Rihanna - So hard' in the shower).
All these wonderful, beautiful, amazing, intelligent girls that I let go because of me wanting you for whatever fucking reason...along with the possibly ignorant way of looking at the world and people. I never thought that I’m not perfect either (Sometimes). All of us have faults and unfortunately, I am no exception..I'm aware of that. Now I never regret not being the perfect guy for these women, I rather be something like it to just one. I never tell them this and how I really feel about them, I just explained myself out of talking about it.
Eventually I have to take down the defense mechanism and let other people in. I have to be a kinder person, more thoughtful and caring hopefully. Also I’ve understood is this, the fact of me being a gentle human being, doesn’t make me a weaker one atleast to my own eyes. Though she tells me I'm nothing in just about everything that comes out of her mouth
Wow, this is too deep for a Thursday right!?
Monday, May 9, 2011
...
“Interesting.” Is a word we all use when we cannot think of a more accurate description of our thoughts and emotions.
After 3 years of emotional back and forth with this womman, I thought I wouldnt be more bothered by learning that she does not want me, yet share all of these things. Especially because this was something I had to think about while we were not still involved. Yeah. I guess I thought I’d be more hurt, Or that I’d care more.
In which case I do...Then again. That is something I will not tell via my blog, without saying in person if it is said.
After 3 years, once I finally rid myself of my healthy/unhealthy emotional connection to her, I just may feel free. I need to learn to stop looking to her or caring for her & her thoughts maybe even her well being. I live my life accordingly. I need to put the “friendship” we have/had in perspective and move forward with my life. Seemingly as time progress and she keeps up this shit that is going on now, there just may be no realistic hope for something more in the future. she wants me to get beyond it... I think I just may get beyond that, So shit will no longer hurt.
So why all this emotion now? Hell if I know. Especially because I have too many needs to get done, or things I shouldnt have let happen thus far.
Clearly, I don’t know how I feel about this. Do I wish I didn’t know at all? Some say ignorance is bliss. But I don’t know.
How did you find out that your “him” or “her” was involved with a new boo? Or How did you feel once they continue to try and bring you into something emotional with out knowing they did so? How did you react, if at all? Initial reactions are usually strong, but with time comes clarity. It is what it is. Thanks for reading!
After 3 years of emotional back and forth with this womman, I thought I wouldnt be more bothered by learning that she does not want me, yet share all of these things. Especially because this was something I had to think about while we were not still involved. Yeah. I guess I thought I’d be more hurt, Or that I’d care more.
In which case I do...Then again. That is something I will not tell via my blog, without saying in person if it is said.
After 3 years, once I finally rid myself of my healthy/unhealthy emotional connection to her, I just may feel free. I need to learn to stop looking to her or caring for her & her thoughts maybe even her well being. I live my life accordingly. I need to put the “friendship” we have/had in perspective and move forward with my life. Seemingly as time progress and she keeps up this shit that is going on now, there just may be no realistic hope for something more in the future. she wants me to get beyond it... I think I just may get beyond that, So shit will no longer hurt.
So why all this emotion now? Hell if I know. Especially because I have too many needs to get done, or things I shouldnt have let happen thus far.
Clearly, I don’t know how I feel about this. Do I wish I didn’t know at all? Some say ignorance is bliss. But I don’t know.
How did you find out that your “him” or “her” was involved with a new boo? Or How did you feel once they continue to try and bring you into something emotional with out knowing they did so? How did you react, if at all? Initial reactions are usually strong, but with time comes clarity. It is what it is. Thanks for reading!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
The hardest thing I ever had to witness & hear was you leave in his embrace, and speak his name. Yes it truly bothers me. Even if I am "Rick- In a friendship mood" due to me believing you telling me us being friends may blossom something, or your warming up to me again...Trust was increasing then it flatlined...
Holding myself back because I knew I would never again take that smile off your face
Even if I didn’t hold the key to your bliss I knew you deserved much more than this
Hidden away is the simple truth that I would die for just one more sacred kiss... I need to stop here. I'm saying too much....The fire in the eye of the other is still bland.
Holding myself back because I knew I would never again take that smile off your face
Even if I didn’t hold the key to your bliss I knew you deserved much more than this
Hidden away is the simple truth that I would die for just one more sacred kiss... I need to stop here. I'm saying too much....The fire in the eye of the other is still bland.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Some asked me about "Myself" & Relationships.
Sometimes I get lost in my own world and forget to reach out to people. I’ve gotten better at that. I also hate fighting. I used to let some things go because I didn’t feel like waging war, but now if I have a problem I deal with it right there on the spot unless I’m bout to turn into the Hulk. Then I walk away and come back once I’ve cooled off. My latent temper is pretty ferocious.
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