This may be the Grey goose speaking, but I miss you...I like deadass cant front as if I dont,Do you care? Do you think of me? Why do I constantly think of you? I mean do not let these liqour filled thoughts mislead, I seriously do. Given I've been around E as of the last day or so, He asked about you. I refuse to front or not even care to put it out there I actually broke down and cried, imagine that...I felt like I was uncontainably crying. For what though? I am still not clear on that. Then again I am, I broke down similar to the day we laid Mary to rest. Speaking of which, I just want to kick back and put this out there since I've been thinking about your Birthday that just passed. Mary things were all shot to shit since you were called home, I just wanted you to know even though you were watching from up above. I had found a lovely woman named Ajene I fell for and made a eternal pact with that I had violated, I hope you were proud of how I held the fort down as long as I could before it was my time to go. It was hell of a summer, from the very last time we spoke. I made due on my end of things, I remember that evening like it was yesterday. I attempted to visit the place in my mind where I still re-live those exact moments over again before the morning I found you in that state, I had found a loving and lovable woman in Ajene who loved and cared unconditionally. Even through the times where I really felt I was nothing more than something or someone wasting away, She helped pull me out of that frame of mind I was going into after your funeral. She was there for me when your people came through tearing the house apart looking for your will, and began getting things together for the yard sale. I assume this is why I am beyond hurt about losing her, I mean...I lost her to due my stupidty of trying to please everyone. When I say that I mean as in trying to see if giving a friendship with Rachele could've sufficed, but it didnt. It led to the ultimate downfall and probably left her feeling beyond betrayed, Which I say again I do not fault her for in the least bit. I just wanted to kept the road I felt or thought I was on with her while thinking it could be forgiven and not forgotten, but time told otherwise. I was on top of the world, with Ajene. She was the reason alot of good things were looking up, from the evenings she spent with me when she got off work. To the times she would do things she did not have to do or so forth, hell even helped me found a job which is hell of alot more than most of my family did or any woman I dealt with before. Then the time she came of to Shae's crib with me that one evening, when I do not even think she knew where she was going. Yet still came and kicked it with me while Shae had booked on me, That was the night/morning that made our relationship beyond solid. Which was also the same night/Morning I had basically asked her to be my girlfriend, I was even more content with just being in her presence and after all the heartfelt talks we did have. She was more than the apple of my eye, and with just about every positive there was the negative. Which was Rachele, I dealt with alot of unnecessary things throughout the road to me and Ajene becoming a couple. I never intended to have her drug into it, but then again you've warned me countless times throughout april. After me and her had broken up that she would be the one to scare or ruin the next relationship I would have gotten into, Why her though? I cant say I did not allow it, In the same sense I did. Though I attempted to try and keep a somewhat decent friendship with her, Why? I dont know I believed I could have thought she would've wanted to have seen me happy. Then again I do not know why I believed that, though things were some what ok through the process of me leaving the house. Ajene was the one who sprung for the better looking situation we both ended up in came September, It will always be a memorable experience. Though I would've wanted it to have been in better circumstances, I refuse to go into details about this anymore than I have. I really just want her back, outside of that I believed and still believed the things we talked about. More so in particular the conversation we had before we had seen "Paranormal Activity", I doubt she even remembers that but oh well this blog is just to get the things thats bothering me off of my chest. I'm sorry it came down to me being intoxicated but I felt I would rather do it this way, So I can atleast say I was more than completely honest in what I said. As far as anything else I did land a job, even though it was basically "Seasonal" I assume. It was a great experience, worked with some great people. I'm trying to carry whats left of that momentum into the next job I'm trying to land, other than that I've been back home jumping since things became worse and I was dumped. I want to say we broke up....but, I am not to go into that because it'll make me feel worse than I already do. Not to mention I ended up talking to Rachele about us breaking up, I told her I hoped she was happy that she got what she wanted and then some. That lead to me looking for comfort of some sort as if her's could've sufficed but in the end I ended up getting thrown under the bus again, I'm not blaming no one but my ownself for that. Seeing as I purposely failed to mention the debacle throughout November isnt personally one of the things I want to discuss, seeing as alot of things went down and was used against me. Due to my own stupidity. So in the end it more than likely lead up to both Rachele getting the major victory she wanted, and Ajene leaving me and more than likely on the road to moving on. Where does that leave me? I've been home jumping, attempting to get something jumping soon. Though I refuse to end up in a shelter, which would've still been a big possibility if Ajene would've never went the way she went. I just lived as if being in a shelter was never a possibility, I still refuse to go to one. Not saying I am better than anyone which I am far from it, I just refuse to admit I hit beyond rock bottom just yet. Its bad enough I walk around feeling defeated and not caring about my self worth anymore, maybe I am actually feeling broken spirited. I have not felt such a way in so long or something remotely close to this in a long time, So this is one of those rare moments where I'll attempt to get it off my chest again. In hopes of feeling better even it is temporary, back to the events of things that has happen to me. Me & Chris are no longer tight like we use to be, Funny aint it? the one I spent the most time around I am no long tight with. I still hang and bang with your favorites Egan & Tyler, we're tighter than ever. Though I cannot burden my own brothers with my pain, I do not even want them to attempt to share this pain with me because I need them to be strong and stay on their paths. I do not trust Brittany anymore (She still my lil sista to the death of me just like Boogie is), but given the shit she's pissed at me about is now at an all time high and instead of trying to make it right I'll just cut it off. I'm still tight with Boogie, She's @ Kysu doing her school thing still my little sister til the death of me also. Chicky Wing is also getting big, He's walking around and starting fights and shit. Grandma or cora let alone Courtney have not been the same since you left, It hurts to know that you made such a big impact on their live's as much as you did for Egan and Ty & Chris. I just want things to come somewhat back in control for me, I never beilieved things could spiral out of control so fast in so little time. I guess that is what I get for not trying to shake my past right? I wish you were alive or still around in some sort of way to have met Ajene. I know you would've loved her, like I still do. Well that's as much as I can tell you for now Mary...I miss and love you beyond what you can see from up in heaven, Let me know if there is a v.i.p in there also.
I have yet to come visit you, I'm afraid of doing such. So I keep my distance, which just so happens that is beginning to become my new escape. Outside of music which is what I stopped running to, I had ran to Ajene. She was there with open arms, and Unconditional love. I want to say it was not unconditional love, then again if the tables were turned and I went through the bullshit I pulled or put her through. I can honestly say I would have never closed the door of love, like now I have yet to close the book on the chapter. How can you close a book or chapter when that book was not even half of the way done? Well atleast in my eyes...
Honestly, for Ajene if you so happen to read this if you've read any of my blogs. I really do not want this to sound like any plea or anything close to it, I just want to hear 3 words from you. I doubt that I will ever hear them again, So I listen to one of your Vm's you left me ages ago. Though everything that has had something to do with you has broken or fell apart I just want you to know over again for the billionth time, I love your more than life itself. You say it shouldn't be such away, but I believe other wise...You can say or do whatever you like or feel. I will feel no different about how or what I feel for you, though anything I could possibly say and or do will never account for the things I've said and or want to do. I just hope that somewhere somehow you still feel the way I do, even if you believe I am acting like Rachele when me and her had broken up. Call it what you like, This is real and non reversable so until something shakes. I'll say this I am waiting until the opportunity shows itself again if it ever shows itself, when and if it does I'll take advantage of it and have you back as my woman. I love you A.L.Z....From Roderic... (Originally BBKF)
No comments:
Post a Comment