Words Pride Will Not Let Me Say.

Please listen to this song before or while reading:



I honestly read and re-read the words she says, I mean is it wrong? Yes/No though she is guilty of the same thing. We are not in the midst of a conversation. We rarely ever talk now. In weeks, I havent heard her voice that I enjoy. Just hearing the simple things she says, rather it sharp words or not. Yet I wasn’t surprised by the things I expect of her.

These were serious words.... Not only because of the meaning. simply because of the “rules” she had established. I rarely let her tell me anything that just may break me, Then again it is alot of things that bother me... unless it became serious.

I changed my from jazz to this Show Tufli track I been od'n to and read her words again. Did she aim that at me?

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No mental response...

My chest and my head grew light with pain. My eyes swelled, yet pride stopped tears from escaping. Refer to this as some sort physical manifestation called heartbreak. I don’t even know why or where to begin.

She and I have been officially “broke up" since 4-22-09, Damn. Has she been gone that long? Regardless of the year hiatus from 2k10, I had just visited her mind asking things I have yet to ask, again. Though, this meeting was awkward 04-08-11. I know she wanted to tell me something... despite all the bullshit conversations we had, the true meaning of our random meet-up was never mentioned to the public in details. Still, there it hid with us through all our BS spats, forced smiles and forced lies. It was and still is a ever present & unwelcomed stranger.

Even the very last time I had been in her bedroom, I personally could see the finale of it all faintly reflected in each our eyes. Now, a month later, there it was something I expected to see later than sooner. I didn’t blame her for it was just a free thought thrown into the world free of charge.

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Months will pass by, even maybe years before I think of letting her reach out...more so that deeply into me again. I could never just be her friend to be frank about it. I’ll always love her and she knows it. I sit bitter and silent on my end. Waiting but not really ever expecting to hear from her ever again. I never ignore her but I can’t bring myself to contact her first after alot of things between us. She had, after all, chosen him over me. Like all times before him and others... I always respect her decision, but I don’t ever have to fucking like it.


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She can have me back if she wanted and she knew it. But, she doesn’t want it to be that simple (I guess). She wants me to beg & plead for her to be mines again... She wants me to fight for her, save her from whatever, and make her be with me.

Eventually her month long absences stretched into a year. Which I grew accustomedto during one particularly long break.


Pulling me back into a life I was trying, to move on from. Then I wonder if I had changed my FB or something. I could never know for sure. I had lied to myself on her behalf on more occasions than I cared to remember.

I was disgusted with myself for failing her.

I thought about the life I had lived in her absence while my frustration got the better of me. I wonder consciously and verbally why she left me and continues to do so every chance she gets, I chase after her. I run after her, Yet it is never reciprocated. When she has man in her life who loves her and who she claimed she loved back (as a friend). She accuses me of letting it happen, in my failing to rescue her, I was an accomplice in my own way of "Playing her".

A part of me wants to tear through heaven & hell to reach her. I tell myself that eventually I’d never think of the right words to say. Maybe I don’t want to. I slowly accept that although she was the woman I wanted, she may not be the woman I needed. She is my heroin and I am her cocaine. Maybe addicted to misery but longing for happiness. In the end, I ask a friend who has witnessed our episode for her advice. she objectively reminded me that we brought out the best in one another and the worst, but in the latter part of our relationship, the worst could now surface more than the best. Is this true?